My Quarantine Meltdown

I really try to keep things light and positive around here, but I have to admit, I finally had a mini-meltdown last week. I hinted at this in my caption of this photo on Instagram, and I got quite a few DM's about it, so I thought I would just explain it all here.

I want to preface this by saying that I know how much I have to be grateful for. I think about these things every single day... I am at home with my mom who makes me delicious meals every day, I just graduated from college and have a post-grad job offer that still stands, and I have friends close by who I get to hang out with because the self-isolation has been lifted in Wisconsin. I haven't been completely alone for more than two days at a time during the entire quarantine, and I realize how much of a blessing that is. But sometimes... there are bad days, and like everyone, I am not perfect and I am not exempt from feeling sad or less-than-happy occasionally.

The meltdown itself wasn't really anything that bad. I basically just walked around my house complaining for a day.

The biggest part of this meltdown stems from being privileged and being used to having a life that I know how lucky I am to have... so going into this post, I know I might sound entitled or unappreciative, but that's really not it. Like anyone, I'm just upset that my last few months haven't been what they were supposed to be. 

So, that big thing I am upset about is that today I was supposed to leave for a month-long trip to Europe with my parents. The plan was to spend two weeks with each of them, back to back. My parents are divorced, so I was going to fly out with my dad, visit four cities, and then he was planning to fly home, and my mom was going to fly out for the next two weeks to do the same. I wasn't able to study abroad in college because of transferring and the way my classes lined up sequentially, so this trip was a long time coming, and something I had been looking forward to for a while.

This is the last summer I have before I'm a full-time working adult with limited vacation days. I wanted to travel, spend time with my family, and explore limitlessly. I know it's a privilege to even have those options, but I can't pretend like I'm not sad that this was taken away. I know we can always do it up next summer, when I have more money in my savings (if NYC expenses don't rob me of every dime I make), but it doesn't make it less disappointing... I was so excited about my big post-grad adventure and opportunities to soak up the last few months of freedom before moving to New York and working what I expect to be a very challenging, demanding job. 

I know how fortunate I am to even have a job that is still on the horizon, so that is something I am, of course, still grateful for. But I also wanted to have this opportunity to travel and visit places that I have had on my bucket list for half of my life. I was beyond excited to romp around the French Riviera, see Alicia Keys in Brussels, go to the Distortion Music Festival in Copenhagen, discover the Berlin wall, drink beer in Dublin, and experience the culture of Prague, Budapest, and Amsterdam. We had it all planned out. I'm bummed.

So yeah... that's what my meltdown was all about. It's probably going to be hard to find a part-time job this summer with most establishments still closed or hard-pressed for extra money, but I plan to spend this summer outside, reading, running, and hanging out with my friends who I will miss next year one I've moved away. I always try to see everything with a glass-half-full mindset, so I know this isn't the end of the world, and it is nice to have a trip to look forward to for the future.

If anyone else is experiencing disappointment, just remember that we are all in this together. From canceled milestones like proms, graduations, and weddings, to study-abroad trips ending early, to postponed vacations, to lonely goodbyes in hospitals where people can't visit their loved ones... there are so many things that aren't going how we expected. I think the best we can do is know that one day, things will be better, and we will be so much more appreciative of travel, celebrations, and opportunities to hug the people we love when we can again.

xoxo